My husband avoids penetrative sex with me, but I wish we had more of it. What do I do?

11/28/2020 Health News

Rather than focus on whether something is wrong with your husband, consider your own assumptions about what a normal and healthy sex life is and how they might be affecting your marriage.
According to therapist Rachel Wright, there's nothing wrong or abnormal with preferring oral sex over penetrative sex, even if you're a man.
It's time for an honest conversation with your husband about what you both need to feel connected in a sexually intimate way. Focus on your personal needs.
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I'm 33 and I think I have a pretty high sex drive for a woman.

My husband and I have been in a sexual relationship for 5 years now, but over the past 2 years, we've been having less and less sex. And recently, after I orgasm, he wants me to finish him with a blow job.

When I asked him about it, he said it's a personal preference, and when I asked him what changed, he said, "I don't know." I asked him if my vagina was tight enough to get him off and he said it was. Something tells me he isn't telling me the truth.

But if I ask why we aren't having sex very much or why he doesn't want to finish with penetrative sex, he gets upset and tells me I'm never happy whether we have sex or don't.

I also found out he is masturbating to porn more often lately. How can I get to the bottom of what's going on and fix our sex life?

– France

Dear France,

It's normal to feel frustrated when your partner's sexual preferences don't match up with yours.

First, it's important to acknowledge that there's nothing abnormal about a change in your husband's sexual preferences. In fact, his interests are quite typical, New York City-based sex therapist Rachel Wright told me.

"Penetrative sex isn't the end-all-be-all," Wright said, and there is a plethora of other ways to experience sexual pleasure, as your husband has shown you.

In this case, having an honest conversation about the evolution of your sex life is the best way to resolve the situation, since it's clear you're not on the same page.

But before you do, consider why your husband's needs make you feel so upset. Is it that you don't enjoy performing oral sex? Or is that you're equating his lack of interest in penetrative sex to a lack of interest in you?

From what you've described to me here, I have a hunch it's the latter. If that's the case, I want you to know that it's highly unlikely his sexual preferences are a comment on you, and you shouldn't take them that way. These days, he simply loves a good blow job over vaginal sex.

Still, if you'd still like to have penetrative sex more often than you do because it gives you pleasure or makes you feel more intimate with your husband, it's worth saying that directly.

Let him know that you find sexual intimacy an important way to connect to him, and penetrative sex does that for you. Say, too, that you want to understand, without judgement, why he's gravitated towards oral sex. Hear him out, without interruption, and he's less likely to become defensive as he has in the past.

After acknowledging his needs, you could explain the things you find most pleasurable.

The goal here, according to Wright, is to pinpoint how you can prioritize your sex life without letting societal expectations about what it should look like get in the way.

Just as you want him to understand you, you should be open to learning from your husband about just that.

As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.

Have a question? Fill out this anonymous form. All questions will be published anonymously.

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